Wednesday, 10 October 2018

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: Endurance or Survival?

Fresh from another session of consolation for my friend who is currently fighting for her life in her marriage, I began to ponder on the roles played by the victims themselves in encouraging violence in such marriages. I try always not to be a “modaru” (intruder) in anyone’s marriage whenever such conflicts are being discussed, but then, the truth should be told.

I don’t know about you, but I think one of the reasons why some women continue to suffer domestic abuse is because they cover up for their husbands. Many were taught to protect their marriage, especially by “marriage counselors” who plant this stereotyped brand of matrimonial secrecy in them. They’ve been warned that the only way a marriage could work is when you avoid third parties and you settle all conflict internally. That’s very good, but... Ok.

I’m not against privacy in marriage, in fact, I don’t joke with my privacy and you dare not invade it. But my point is; there’s a limit to such secrecy. What are you really bothered about when you cover up for a man who bashes you at every little provocation? Most times the answer is “what people will say”. We all have a couple of those bad-mouthed family or friends who will jeer at us when we fail, but isn’t it better to get mocked while you’re alive than getting blamed for your own death after you’re gone?

Besides, no matter how well you try to be upright, people will still talk about you anyway, so why not just do what is best for your life and move on? Speak out! Seek help and stop hiding behind those stupid, fake loved-up pictures you post on social media. Who are you fooling? You keep hoping and praying he will change. When exactly? After you’re dead? It’s even worse when they blame the devil! Smh!

I know a lot of men endure victimization in some ways too. You protect your wife creating the impression that she’s a diva, she’s your queen. You don’t want the wifey-inlaw drama so you make everyone believe you’re married to the best woman in the world. Nobody knows she’s a monster back home until she pushes you to the wall, when you reach your boiling point, you hit her…

Guess what... There’s no better way to announce yourself to the world as the biggest monster than to beat up the “best woman in the world”. So your years of keeping the secrets of her behaviours and enduring them have won you nothing but stigma... That’s if she’s not courageous enough to stab you in your sleep.

So people, why don’t you think beyond those counsels that teach you how to endure but never teach you how to survive? They promise you how bright the future is if you endure but never reminding you how dark the graveyard is in case you die. Think about it, only the living can hope and endure.

To all the real men out there who have stayed strong and mature, never beaten their wives or any woman for that matter, I salute you including my humble self and I pray “may you walk and never stumble”.

To my enduring lady friend, hmmm… I pray God heals your recent wounds, clean your old scars and above all, I pray you survive. You will survive!